WHAT THE RECORD COMPANIES HAVE BEEN TELLING US OVER THE YEARS
1983: Forget about LPs -- you gotta hear these new compact discs! They sound amazing! No clicks, no pops, no scratches, no changing sides, AND amazing fidelity. You'll never be able to listen to vinyl again after you hear these babies! Replace your collection NOW! And it only costs twice as much as an LP!
1985-1994: Remember that old CD you bought a couple years ago? Well, once you hear this new REMASTERED CD, your jaw will drop! Compared to that crappy old CD, it's like night and day. Seriously, it's like someone took a big hunk of cheesecloth out of the woofer. It's like you're there in the studio with the artist! Seriously! If you're a real music fan and not some kind of lame wuss, you're gonna want this!
1995-2000: Hey, remember the fourth-time remaster of that CD we sold you last year? Well, we just discovered the real, authentic, original first generation master tape -- yeah, we lied about the other ones -- but hey, once you hear the Serious Music Appreciator-Type-Person Super Deluxe 24.379-Bit Edition, it's like being in the room with the band while they were recording this. No, seriously. It's like, it's like being inside the singer's larynx. That's how clearly you can hear the phlegm. Really amazing. Also includes a previously unreleased alternate take!
2001-2004: Hey, we understand, CDs don't really sound as good as LPs. At least they don't if you're a true music conoisseur. And it's for you, the listener who can really appreciate some great music in the 20,000 MhZ range, that we present DVD-Audios and Super Audio CDs. Sure, they're competing formats. But, not only do they give you truly awesome dynamic range -- seriously, it's like you're actually crouching inside the bass drum, that's how incredible it is -- a lot of them are also in SURROUND SOUND. So if you sit in your special chair in your special media room in exactly the right spot, and you've got the right stereo and your speakers are the right brand, you can actually hear the breathing of the engineer while he's listening to the band recording this song. You can even tell he's just getting over a case of viral pneumonia -- it's the slight wheeze that gives it away. Really, truly, replace your entire CD collection now. Again.
2004-PRESENT: Hey, are you still actually going to stores to buy your music? Really? You set foot, like, outside? You could get hit by a car or something! And then what good would your little bag of CDs do you? Why not just stay in the comfort of your home and DOWNLOAD all the music you want? Only 99 cents a pop! Well, yeah, the sound kinda sucks. But it's not like you're supposed to listen to it on your stereo or anything. IPOD, baby! Put those little earbuds on, screw around with that equalizer thingy a bit, and it'll sound more or less like a halfway decent CD. Hey, what more do you want? What are you, some kind of audiophile geek or something? Now stop worrying about sound quality and DANCE!