SAL & TONY GO TO (WATCH) THE GRAMMYS! (ON TV)

It was exciting, it was dazzling, it was... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ....

Yes, it was the most boring, lifeless Grammy Awards show in recent memory, but we managed to keep our eyelids pried open so we could bring you, our readers, our Annual Grammy Wrap-Up! So here goes!

De do do don't? Actually, as much as we hate Sting (winner of Best Incredibly Pretentious Idea For An Album) these days, The Police sounded damn good. Stewart Copeland was grey, but he bashed away like the days of old, just slightly stiff with his fancy hi-hat work. Plus, he looked so happy. We just wanna know how they convinced Hilary Clinton to play guitar with them.

Aside from The Beatles remasters on CD, the thing we are looking most forward to is the last second of Jamie Foxx's 15 minutes. We liked him much better as Klinger.

Tony Bennett (winner of Best 80-year-old Who's Still Alive and Sells More Than Three Records) thanked Target. Discuss.

Click below for the rest of Mary J. Blige's first acceptance speech:
www.kissmyasstonyandsal.com

The filmed intro of Justin Timberlake (winner of Best Likable Pro Who's Being Mistaken For A Genius For Some Reason Which Sal & Tony Can't Figure), preceding his performance, ruined what would have been ... a mediocre performance. THIS was the best song he had ever written? Two chords and no melody? We weren't expecting "The Lonesome Death Of Hattie Carrol," but Jeez. It's just too easy. Artists need to do less and less these days to become superstars.

We still want to know what is it we are missing with Mary J. Blige (winner of the Lifetime Achievement Award for Never Having Sung A Single Complete Song On-Key In Her Entire Career). I mean, we have some cred, don't we?

We are ELATED that Irma Thomas' "After The Rain" won Best Contemporary Blues Album. EVERYONE should own this heartbreaking masterpiece.

SAL: Connie, Legend, and Mayer. Not bad. I want to like both John Mayer and John Legend as much as I like Corinne Bailey Rae. What stops me is that so many think Mayer and Legend are better than they really are, and not enuff think Rae is as good as she is.

TONY: I thought they were all very earnest and eager to please. Like three schoolkids on their best behavior, trying to pass their oral exams or something. Not my idea of compelling music, but it coulda been worse.

Best acceptance speech: Ludacris --"I want to thank Bill O'Reilly"? "My father's on his death bed. I Love you to death, Dad"? Looks like ya already did 'Cris. Or is it Lu'? Luda? He gets bonus points for thanking the William Morris Agency.

We just dont get Mary J. Blige.

Worst song ever by great band: "Life In The Fast Lane" - The Eagles (winner of the Lifetime Achievement Award for Band That Pisses Off Tony The Most).

Tony missed Rascal Flatts' Eagles tribute so he could check out a movie on ESPN Classic which features a cameo appearance by Buddy Greco.

SAL: I cannot believe one of my heroes, Ornette Coleman, just said "Imogen Heap."
SAL'S WIFE: Lifetime achievement awards don't come cheap.

At this point in his career, Lionel Richie should devote all his time to feeding his daughter.

OK, Mary J. is better than Chris Brown. But he can dance better than Smokey Robinson and Lionel Richie put together. Then again, they are a combined 130 years old.

It is a sad state of affairs when "Soul Brother Number One" leaves us, and the go-to artist for the tribute is Christina Aguilera, with Prince in the room. Even without Prince in the room. When Peter O'Toole dies, we guess we can expect a tribute from James Brolin.

Ludacris and Mary J.-- it just wasn't good.

Watching James Blunt sing "You're Beautiful" (winner of Best Song That The Entire World Is So Sick Of That Nobody Will Ever Want To Hear Anything This Guy Does In The Future) made us think, "This is what we expect Burgess Meredith would have sounded like as a 25 year old folk singer."

The Red Hot Chili Peppers' (winner of Band Whose Drummer Looks The Most Like Will Ferrell) performance was touted as "the performance you'll be talking about tomorrow morning." Why, because they dumped a lot of confetti from the ceiling? Or because Anthony Keidis gave Mary J. a run for her money as most off-key performer of the night? And how much did they pay Chris Rock to call them the greatest rock band in the world?

It's a sad state of affairs when the Grammys has to resort to American Idol-style audience participation to get people to give a crap. And it's sadder still when the terrified 19-year-old chosen to sing with Justin Timberlake is a better singer than Mary J. Blige.

Our friend Nancy on Justin Timberlake:

I like pawns of the music industry who play the game nicely. Justin walks around like he's above all that. And he's just this boy, not a man. Airing out his bidness with Britney in that Cry Me A River video, letting Janet Jackson take the rap for the Nipplegate thing, and ditching Cameron and the tabloids make it out like she's a shrew. How is he so untouchable? And what would his music be if it weren't for Timbaland?

I might get a turkey burger. Or.. maybe some Japanese noodles.

And finally, congratulations to Bob Dylan for winning the Grammy for We Already Gave You The Best Album Award For "Time Out Of Mind," And You're Not Supposed To Be Making Such Good Albums At Your Age, So You Know What? We're Gonna Put You In Some Bogus Category Like "Contemporary Folk" That's More Appropriate For Old White People!

This year's awards definitely coulda used Sly Stone to perk things up a bit.